My life as a beauty pageant contestant.

I am laying here in bed flipping through TV stations and just watched Mario Lopez crown Miss Teen U.S.A. The chick from Colorado won. She already looks older than me.

I found it interesting and seemingly inappropriate that the backdrop on the stage was a giant comic book drawing of a woman's face with a dialogue bubble that said "OMG!"

Miss Teen Colorado started crying immediately and her father jumped up in the audience pointing to his sign promoting his daughter. No doubt he is a very proud man.

When I was a very little girl I once joined hundreds of other little girls in a tryout to become the Junior Rose Festival princess. As shocking as it may sound I made it past the first round of disqualifications. I think all we had to do was walk up to the microphone and state our name.

I remember the dress I was wearing (a hideous pea green floor length nightmare) and I remember the answer I gave during the second round when we were asked if we could invite anyone to dinner who would it be and what would we serve.

My answer was that I would invite the Easter bunny and serve ham and corn. The audience laughed and I didn't know why.